a recipe for “success”

please do not actually attempt to make.

(you know what i mean)

INGREDIENTS:

– 1 cup of brains.

– 1/2 cup of natural athletic talent. (can only find at Genetics stores, sorry!)

– 1/2 cup of social savvy. (you can substitute leadership skills, but the recipe won’t always come out right with these)

– 1/4 cup of privilege.

– 1 tbsp. of speaking skills.

– 1 tbsp. of confidence.

– 1 tbsp. of positivity.

– 1 tbsp. of time management skills. (many other recipes find procrastination fine, but we don’t!)

– 1 tsp. of luck.

DIRECTIONS:

1. At birth, preheat oven to “stress tempered by high expectations”. Make sure the level isn’t too high, so when time for baking your product won’t break down and crumble, or too low, or else your product will under-bake and not reach its fullest potential.

2. Take 1 cup of your brains and combine it with your 1/4 cup privilege. Sift these through a private school/elite public school (either works). Meanwhile, mix 1/2 cup natural athletic talent until it starts resembling medals and awards.

3. Slowly combine the two mixtures and 1/2 cup social savvy. Check for hobbies, removing these as you stir.

4. Add in 1 tbsp. speaking skills, 1 tbsp. confidence, 1 tbsp. positivity, and 1 tbsp. time management skills when the mixture starts to resemble the high school stage. Continue to stir until mixture is multi-faceted and appealing to all college admissions officers.

4. Pour into degree-shaped pan and put in oven. Add an equal measure of brains in every year as your product bakes. Check to see if your privilege is still pushing your product upward, and if it isn’t, add a little more so your product doesn’t sink (into debt).

5. After baking for the length of Bachelor’s to Doctorate degree (the longer, the better), take out of oven and drizzle luck over the top. You’re recommended to serve with a healthy dose of bragging, a Porsche, your  dream house, and lots of extra taxes.

6. Enjoy and repeat process all over again!